35@35 #22: Standards

TC's guidelines and principles of life #22: "You get what you tolerate." A couple weeks ago, I read 'Boundaries for Leaders' by Henry Cloud. He said that leaders get what they build or what they allow.

It reminded me of how Walter Isaacson portrayed Steve Jobs in the eponymous biography he wrote of Jobs: that Jobs was ruthless about saying no to projects which were not in the framework of what he wanted to accomplish.

Isaacson spoke of how, when Jobs returned to Apple following his exile, he listened to a meeting where multiple projects were described to him before he cut everyone off and told them that, from that moment forward, Apple only made 4 products: Pro desktop, Consumer desktop, Pro laptop, and Consumer laptop.

Steve said no to anything else until they added mobile devices (iPod, iPhone, iPad) later on.

Apple made 4 devices, and they made them better than anyone else (I'm not an apple fanboy, and I say this point is not really up for debate).

Steve would not tolerate anything less than excellent, and he would not tolerate unnecessary competition between the teams at Apple. Everyone worked for the same goal.

Coach Mike Krzyzewski spoke at an event a couple years ago about how he leads multi millionaire superstar basketball players when he coaches the olympic team. He said he doesn't give them rules to follow.

Instead, he gathers them together and asks them, together, to create the standards that he will hold the team to.

His job was not to tolerate anything less than the standards the players give. An example he included was that they would never have a bad practice.

Calling a team, or organization, or even ourselves to our highest ability is hard. We naturally seek the path of least resistance.

Only if we make the choice not to tolerate such things are we able to accomplish our highest aims.

What we say 'no' to is equally important to the things we say 'yes' to.

And we should probably say 'no' more often than we say 'yes' if we are to have the life, team or group we want.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #21: Mistakes

TC's Guidelines and Principles of life #21: "If we’re not careful, we can become very good at doing the wrong things." I actually got this one from a TED talk at TEDxBaltimore in 2014.

The now former director of the Baltimore department of social services talked about how she came into the department with an eye towards improving all their metrics: adoption rate, response time to complaints, etc.

She led the department to huge improvements in all these areas. And the crowd clapped their approval to her.

But after these improvements, she said she started to ask herself a question: were they doing what was best for these kids and their families?

Wasn't it better to find ways to prevent families from getting to the place where kids are being removed from homes and given to other families?

Instead of being great at getting kids out and breaking families up, shouldn't they find ways to keep kids in and help families get healthy?

Nobody applauded as they realized she was completely right.

This story was a haunting tale for me. If you give me metrics and goals, I will work, innovate and lead toward those metrics and goals.

But what if I get there and discover they were the wrong goals all along?

So I spend a lot of time these days looking for multiple perspectives in any area where I am looking to make progress.

Simon Sinek's Start with Why TED talk has been helpful to me in this.

If I start with what I'm going to do, I can fill a sheet up before I even start thinking about whether those things will truly get me or my group to the place we want/need to be.

For me, this leadership application starts with the basic leadership we all engage in: leading ourselves.

Instead of asking 'what I should be doing in life' so that we can determine 'how we will do it', we've got to ask 'why will my life matter?'

If we applied this to a practical action, I would compare it to a painter.

Before deciding what tools, canvas and colors to use, the painter must know what he or she is painting.

Before deciding what s/he is painting, they must ascertain the purpose of the painting.

Is it going to hang in a museum or a corporate office? Is it supposed to inspire or intimidate?

Only once these essential facts are known can the artist pick up a tool and start to "get to work" without fear that they will finish the work and be horrified to learn that it was the wrong painting all along.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #20: What We Have Here Is A Failure To Communicate

TC's guidelines and principles for life #20: "Arguing never creates unity; but dialogue can." A couple nights ago, I took my two daughters camping. When we arrived at Assateague Island to camp on the beach with the wild ponies, we were greeted by gale force winds and buckets of rain coming down. The wind whipped pieces of sand that felt like we were being shot with tiny bbs all over.

We moved to another campsite with a bit more protection from the wind (that is, it had a few small brushes taking the edge off) and there was a bit of grass to keep the sand from blowing free at our tender flesh.

My oldest daughter wrapped herself in a blanket to gain some protection from the environment, then threw up as she come off the adrenaline rush of our initial setup attempt and were making a second go of it.

Wanting to give my daughters 'an adventure', I insisted we stick it out. I spent the next hour getting our tent set up. If the boy scouts have a merit badge for setting up a tent in adverse conditions, I demand that they send me one. I earned it.

After going to bed, the wind and rain picked up even more. Around 12:30, I woke up as a pole in the tent was intermittently striking me in the face because the tent was so waterlogged, it was losing its form. There was also a puddle growing in the other room of the tent because a small lake was forming under that part of our tent.

After 15 minutes, I made the call to pack in the camping trip and head home. We waiting for a break in the deluge, and I took my girls back to our truck, then returned to our pitch black campsite with a flashlight to pack up the tent.

On the drive home, I stopped at a gas station at 2am in order to get fill the tank, and decided to take my kids in to get some snacks to make up for our misfortune.

The attendant was a nice guy who had sleeve tats going down both arms.

As we were leaving, I told my oldest daughter that he probably thought I was a terrible Dad for taking my kids to a gas station at 2am in the morning on a weekday.

She looked at me and said 'Yeah, but he doesn't know what we just went through'.

I smiled widely at her and told her that she was absolutely right, and that we should keep this in mind next time we see somebody doing something that seems crazy or foolish.

Communication is so important.

We hear that a lot.

A good marriage requires communication.

Businesses engage in marketing so that they can effectively communicate with their customers and potential customers.

Teams must communicate effectively with one another.

Militaries need lines of communication even in battle.

One of the great values of communication is this: when we don't know the real story, we start to make up our own.

If the man at the gas station knew our story, he would probably have compassion rather than possibly thinking I'm a very irresponsible parent (though my wife says that the camping trip may go to prove that point, but I digress).

If we get to a place where we are telling people what they should think or say or do (arguing), chances are that we're not going to have much impact on them. But if we listen to their story, asking questions, and have dialogue, we may be able to inspire, encourage, and perhaps lend a hand in areas where it would be welcome.

Arguing, in my opinion, is a fairly selfish thing to do. It's all about us getting a chance to tell others how we feel.

Listening, creating dialogue is generous. It takes time, effort and vulnerability on our part. In our modern digital age, we have to be intentional about it, because we all know how fast Facebook comments can become argumentative.

One of the values we hold to at the church where I have the privilege of serving is that everyone should share their story.

Maybe the best thing we can do when we discover a place of disagreement with somebody is to say "Tell me your story."

Because only when we know another person's story will we be able to value them as a person and not just as an opposing opinion that must be defeated.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #19: Crockpots and Microwaves

TC’s Principles and Guidelines for Life #19: “God works more like a crockpot than a microwave.” I actually wrote a blog post on this one several years ago, and it became one of my own personal proverbs out of that process.

The bottom line is that we live in a day, age and society that often wants all of the rewards and none of the hard work.

If you want proof, just watch commercials on late night or mid-day TV.

We want to lose weight, so we want to buy a pill that will make it happen automatically, because dieting sucks.

We want money, so we need to hire a lawyer and take somebody else's money.

We want a more organized closet so instead of cleaning it out, we should buy vacuum sealing bags so we can fit more stuff in. Seriously.

I decided recently that I needed to eat a bit healthier. Eating healthier always seems like a good idea until the moment I have to put carrots into my shopping cart instead of potato chips.

Because it isn't easy. It takes work. I want to be healthy, but still eat all the junk food I want.

I think we can often treat our journey of faith, or just life in general this way.

We want all the benefits, and none of the hard work.

Maybe Jesus totally understands this, and that's why he said "If you refuse to take up your cross and follow me, you are not worthy of being mine." (Luke 10:38)

God isn't fairy dust or magic potion or a get rich quick scheme.

A life of following Jesus is going to be an always developing journey. He won't 'fix' us when we open our heart to him. Instead, he will come in and live with us.

We don't become a ventriloquist puppet for God. We open ourselves to the maker of the universe who makes us spiritually alive, then he helps us to spread that life through the rest of who we are.

But he doesn't force it to happen. And he won't snap his fingers and remove the selfish urges and desires that live within us.

Over time, he'll work with us and in us to create a masterpiece. Adding spices here, stirring the pot there, putting in new ingredients when the time is right, letting heat and time do their work.

If we want to be fully and masterfully prepared, we must keep in mind that he is a patient chef. He uses ways that create richness, not salty, overheated garbage. God loves us too much to treat us that way.

But will we allow him to finish his work? That's the question we all have to face, especially when the process seems to be stretching out for an eternity.

Just because the chef doesn't seem to be constantly working on the dish in the crockpot doesn't mean he's making any mistakes.

Our job is simply to cooperate as much as possible, and not to give up.

Patience, after all, is one of the things he wants to instill in us.

But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! (Galatians 5:22-23, emphasis mine)

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #18: Community

TC's Guidelines and Principles for Life #18: "There’s no such thing as the Christian Lone Ranger. You can't do it alone." I am a bit of a strange person. My personality (if you're familiar with the DiSC personality model) is primarily an I. That's the creative, outgoing, persuasive talking personality. The fun loving collaborator.

Yet I'm also an introvert. Not in the sense that I don't like being around people. Just that being around people uses my energy rather than charges me up. So when I'm around a bunch of people, I enjoy myself, but then I need to have some alone time afterwards to decompress.

It is easy for me to casual interactions in the crowd, and it is easy for me to withdraw and be alone.

What I have to put effort into is building real relationships with people.

This doesn't come naturally to me.

Year ago, I noticed this about myself, and I realized that I needed to do something about it. So I looked around my life and identified the person who I thought I could most likely create a deeper friendship with.

I needed somebody who was trustworthy, pragmatic, laid back and genuine. I asked him to join me for a coffee and I outlined what I wanted to do: form a friendship where we could help each other grow closer to Jesus.

Our friendship grew as we met every other week and just talked about life.

I would not be the husband, father, Christian or person I am today without that ongoing friendship.

The bottom line is that we need other perspectives in our lives. When things are going terribly, somebody who can give you a perspective of hope is so critically important. When things are going great, somebody who can ask you challenging questions keeps you grounded.

Books are a great way to gain other perspectives. Art, movies, they can also do this for you. But a person who knows all about you and where you're at is worth their weight in gold.

Trying to lead a life, especially one rooted in faith, is impossible without that. We become myopic, only able to see what is directly in front of us, never seeing the things that are around and behind.

Find people or groups of people who you can trust with the keys to your life. Invite them in so that they can give you other viewpoints which will help you as you move through life. And, of course, be willing to provide this to them.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #17: Devotion

TC's Guidelines and Principles for Life #17: "God doesn’t call us to a life of balanced devotion. He calls us to radical devotion." Aristotle tells us that in seeking virtue, we should avoid both excess and deficiency. For example: courage is good, but foolhardiness (excess) and cowardice (deficiency) are not.

I think, in general, there is value in heeding Aristotle's call. However, when it comes to our relationship with God, the thrust I see across the narratives of the books included in the Bible do not paint, to me, a picture of God wanting a balanced relationship with us.

Rather, I see a God who passionately and relentlessly pursues the people whom he loves.

In the Gospels, in the letters written by Paul, and in the book of Revelation, the imagery of a Bride and Groom are used to provide a picture of the church and Christ himself.

This is not some casual relationship that God calls us into. It is one that calls for utter abandon of our former way of life for one that is focused primary on him.

If you get married and try to work your spouse into the areas of your life where you happen to have room for him or her, your marriage is not going to go well.

You have to be willing to bulldoze large sections of your schedule, your living spaces, your habits, your desires and preferences, etc.

How much more for a relationship with God himself, who connects with us on a level far deeper than what is possible between those of us who are living in this world?

Jesus hints at this concept when he shocks us in Luke 14:26 with these words:

"If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison--your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple."

Wow. Hating my father and mother, wife and children, even life itself in comparison to how I love God?

That's not balanced. That's pretty excessive. To the point of being possible crazy.

Here's why I submit that violating the Golden Mean in this case makes perfect sense: because this isn't one sided on our part. We're not giving utter and complete devotion and then being let down.

Rather, we're responding to the unbalanced devotion that God has already shown us. He sent his son to die for us before we deserved it. Heck, we never would have deserved it.

God showed 'unbalanced' compassion and love and mercy and forgiveness long before we did. It is in responding to this with 'excessive' devotion that we can actually start to grasp, and receive and appreciate the relationship God has extended to us.

Our relationship with God has no Golden Mean. We can never match what he has done. We can only respond. As he has given his best, the only response that makes sense if for us to do the same.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #16: Consequences

TC’s Principles and Guidelines for Life #16: “Bad choices do not lead to good places.” One thing I don't see Jesus doing in the writings of his followers is trying to force people to make better choices in life.

For instance, there's the guy who Matthew tells us about in his writings. He gets the title of 'Rich Young Ruler' in most instances.

And Richie (I'm going to go ahead and give him that nickname) asks Jesus what he has to do to have eternal life. After a short conversation, Richie decides he values his possessions more than his relationship with God.

You know what? I'll let Matthew tell his own story:

Now someone came up to him [Jesus] and said, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to gain eternal life?” He said to him, “Why do you ask me about what is good? There is only one who is good. But if you want to enter into life, keep the commandments.” “Which ones?” he asked. Jesus replied, “Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother, and love your neighbor as yourself.” The young man said to him, “I have wholeheartedly obeyed all these laws. What do I still lack?” Jesus said to him, “If you wish to be perfect, go sell your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” But when the young man heard this he went away sorrowful, for he was very rich. (Matthew 19:16-22)

Notice what Jesus does here: lets him walk away.

Doesn't run after him. Doesn't try to sugar coat some issues that Richie needs to deal with. Doesn't lower his standards to accommodate this dude. He lets him walk.

See, one of Jesus' later followers tells us that "...a person will reap what he sows..." (Galatians 6:7)

In other words, if I plant corn seed, later on I'm going to be eating corn. And if I live selfishly, I'm going to get the results of a selfish life down the road.

This is true whether or not you're a follower of Jesus.

If following Jesus meant that I could avoid the consequences for my dumb, selfish actions, I bet everybody would follow Jesus.

It doesn't. If I, as a follower of Jesus, make bad choices, I'm going to have to deal with the consequences.

God will forgive me when I ask for forgiveness, but he's usually going to leave the consequences for me to deal with.

This doesn't even have to involve sin.

My wife and I bought a business several years ago. We didn't do enough research on what we needed to know. When that business failed, it left us with a lot of financial burden. We're still dealing with it today.

God didn't give me a winning lottery ticket. I didn't get a call one day that my debt had been paid in full.

We ran a business unsuccessfully, and we have to deal with the consequences.

That was an inexperienced, unwise choice.

When we make truly bad choices - why should it be any different?

Consequences help us learn.

So if you are in a situation where you are constantly dealing with difficult circumstances, start planting different crops.

Plant grace and mercy and forgiveness instead of anger, frustration or resentment.

And then be patient. What kind of foolish farmer would plant seed on Monday, then give up on his crop that Wednesday?

We sow what we reap, and bad choices lead to bad places.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #15: Arguing

TC's Rules and Principles for Life #15: "Never argue with people who aren't listening." You ever get into an argument with somebody who just refuses to see any logic or reasoning whatsoever?

You get increasingly frustrated, annoyed and angry and then you leave in a huff having a terrible mood.

I'm going to help you stop losing those arguments. You ready? Here you go: stop having them.

Seriously. Have you ever resolved anything by getting loud or belligerent, or harsher?

Here's what you're doing - harming a relationship in the hopes of being told you're right.

But guess what you hate doing for somebody who you don't have a good relationship with? Admitting they're right.

So you're creating an impossible situation. "I'm making you angry, now admit I'm right!"

If you find yourself in this situation, the best thing to do is stop arguing. And then stop getting into arguments.

Conversations? Discussions? Great. But not arguments.

If there's somebody in your life with whom you cannot converse without it becoming an argument, then stop getting into conversations until you have fixed the underlying relationship problem.

Here's how the Bible says it in Proverbs 26:4: "Don't answer the foolish arguments of fools, or you will become as foolish as they are."

You will not change another person through arguing. You might change them through love and mercy and grace and acceptance.

I often relay the quote from Martin Luther King Jr: "Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that."

When people stop shouting at one another, it creates space for relationship to form, and genuine relationship fixes a lot of problems.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #14: Dead Ends

TC's Principles and Guidelines for Life #14: "If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got." Yes. I did totally steal this one from Einstein.

I have found that doing some study of human personalities (including assessments of my own personality) has been extremely helpful to me both in understanding myself and in learning to interact in a healthy manner with others - including within a community setting.

Using the DiSC personality system, I have quite a bit of "I" in me. The I personality is generally playful and innovative. Think 'squirrel' or 'otter'.

So I'm not only okay with change, I crave it. I want to do something differently just to keep it interesting for myself.

Vastly different than the I personality is the S personality - somebody who is Steady, reliable, dependable, loyal. Thing 'golden retriever'.

11% of the population has I as their primary trait.

69% of the population has S as their primary trait.

This is why, when you try to initiate mass changes, you get resistance.

When Facebook updates something, all the S personality people on your wall are upset because they don't like change.

So for me, if something isn't working, I'm almost happy, because it turns into a puzzle - what new approach can I try to improve this?

But 7 out of 10 people would rather keep doing something ineffective than try something new.

As a leader in an organization, I have to be sensitive to this. One of the most effective approaches to leading change is by using a model called here to there that Bill Hybels leverages.

Paint a picture of where your organization or group is at, and make sure everybody sees all the problems.

Imagine you're on a sinking ship - you need to take them around to all the places that water is gushing in and show them the areas that are underwater so they get a picture of the fact that the ship is indeed sinking.

Only then can you convince them to move off of that ship.

Because for some people - many people, in fact - getting what you've always got is preferable to doing something new. Even if what you're getting is effectively useless.

So Einsteins statement, which I have totally adopted as a proverb in my own life, is brilliant. But not everyone is going to be able to embrace it immediately. They may need help making that jump.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #13: Unpopular Opinions

TC's Principles and Guidelines for Life #13: "It's good to have a couple unpopular opinions." I wear my unpopular opinions like a badge of honor.

To me, they indicate that I am not simply willing to accept what I hear as fact.

They mean that I think for myself in an age where we have multiple cable channels that are incredibly popular simply because they tell people what they want to hear.

I'm always weary of 'group think', the dynamic where alternative perspectives are ignored for the sake of pseudo harmony.

If you put me in a situation where everybody is agreeing, I'm going to start playing counter point just to force everyone to examine their own belief or opinion.

Sometimes, I may go a bit far and start arguing just because I like to argue, but the overall purpose is to make sure there is safety in sharing opposing viewpoints for anybody who wants to disagree.

Sometimes, I flat out disagree with commonly held viewpoints ("As an American, I have a duty to engage in the political process by voting"), and other times I feel it is important to explore nuances ("Does supporting troops mean that I support war?")

Now, I think that in order for an unpopular opinion to be valid, you must be able to defend your position. Taking a stance just to get a rise out of people isn't valuable in the least.

Anybody can say that they hold another viewpoint, but without the ability to intellectually defend a position using respectable grounds (logic, philosophy, theology, scientific, etc), you're demonstrating ignorance. On the internet, we call this 'trolling'. I'm not a fan of this.

We must be willing to drop our opposing viewpoints if facts or compelling arguments demand that we must do so.

I am willing to be proved wrong as I explore new concepts within frequently trod paths of understanding.

Our brains...our intellect...is a gift from God. I never turn it off. Not when I watch TV, not when I go to church, not in meetings or conferences.

As long as we know how to have respectful discussion around disagreements, sharing differing perspectives and viewpoints makes us stronger.

Oh, and I almost forgot:

Cats are better than dogs.

U2 is the best band of all-time (Coldplay is 2nd and rising fast).

Hawaii is overrated as a vacation destination.

You're welcome.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #12: Being Wounded

TC's Principles and Guidelines for Life #12: "Imperfect situations do not have perfect solutions." Sometimes, I wish I had magic prayer words. Or fairy dust. Or silver bullets.

I run into people on a fairly regular basis who find themselves in tough circumstances.

They have a loved one who is struggling with addiction; or their finances are a mess due to un/under employment; or they are struggling with serious illness.

And in those moments, I want to fix what's wrong.

I hate looking them in the eye and knowing that when our conversation ends and they walk away, that problem is still going to exist.

I offer genuine words of encouragement, I pray with them, I give advice if it's asked for, and I truly empathize.

But I can't fix it.

They are in pain, and I can't make them better.

Instead, I point to the one who is healer.

See stuff gets broken: cell phone screens, cars, furniture, etc.

But people don't get broken. They get wounded.

So we don't need a fixer. We need a healer.

That's one of the aspects of God - He is a healer.

Wounds will normally heal on their own. But if it's a big injury, it needs help to heal. A bone may need to be set. Stitches may be needed. Infection may need to be cut out.

Broken things stay broken if they aren't fixed. Wounded things may not heal properly if not treated.

So I spend most of my time in these conversations pointing to the healer. Offering scriptures and prayer that remind us to trust in God.

But it's the same thing as telling somebody to go to the doctor: I can't force them to go. They may decide not to.

And if they do go, there's no guarantee they will follow the prescription.

If a doctor tells you to take medicine, if you fail to go to the pharmacy, or fail to take the pills as instructed, you're not going to get the benefit.

Healing takes time. We have to follow the instructions of the healer in order to see the process occur, and we have to be patient.

Engage with the cure and give it time to work.

This is the formula for healing.

And if the first approach doesn't complete the process (not that God is wrong, but sometimes there may be more than one issue), we must be willing to return and submit to further instructions.

And cure is often painful. Have you ever read the side effects of medicine? It's nuts! For a temporary period of time, you're going to hurt yourself in order to get healthy.

This is why I say imperfect situations do not have perfect solutions. Because healing will involve pain.

Setting a broken bone is not fun, but it's incredibly important.

It's not a perfect solution, but it's the best one we've got.

Trusting ourselves to the care of a capable healer is essential to life.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #11: Tactical

TC's Guidelines and Principles for life #11: "When searching for a product, to see the best version of that product, search for the word ‘tactical’." Look, normally my posts have some kind of spiritual and emotional value associated with them.

This one? Not so much.

Here's how I started to learn about this life hack: when I needed good gloves for an adventure race I was about to join, I had a ton of trouble finding ones that could handle adverse conditions.

Until I added one little word in front of my searches: 'tactical'.

And that's how I found the blackhawk gloves that are marketed to special forces troops.

Need a good flashlight? Get a tactical flashlight?

Backpack? Boots? Raincoat?

Getting something designed for military use is a great way to get a product that can handle a lot of rough and tumble use.

I still have those gloves years later. I still have my Maxpedition sling backpack as well.

Any anytime I need a product that can stand up to harsh use, I only need to remember one simple little word.

"Tactical".

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #10: Loving Others

TC's Guidelines and Principles for Life #10: "God doesn't call us to change people, he calls us to love people." I was listening to Nadia Bolz-Weber the other day and she said something that impacted me. She said that, as a minister, she doesn't feel responsible for what people in her faith community believe. But she does feel incredibly responsible for what they hear coming from the pulpit.

In other words, she is only responsible for what she can actually control.

To share a similar concept from an entirely different realm, I head Tyson Chandler (center for the New York Knicks) share some advice he got early in his playing career: that some nights, his offense was just going to stink.

Some nights, the ball just won't go through the hoop, and there's nothing you're going to be able to do about it in that moment. But that there is no reason why his defense should ever have an off game. Because defense is about hustle - and that's a choice rather than luck.

We have been given freedom of choice by the God who created us.

We can choose to have faith and follow his calling in our lives, or to ignore it.

God shares, broadcasts, announces his love - through his scriptures; through his sacrifice in Jesus; through faith communities that are called by his name - and he allows us to decide if we will accept that love and allow it to change us.

Jesus, in his ministry, doesn't spend most of his time telling people to stop doing this or that, but instead pointing to what we miss out on if we neglect a relationship with God: love and peace and joy and community and true fulfillment, etc.

Why should our purpose be different?

Martin Luther King Jr said that hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.

Instead of finding things we hate about other people (which leads us to want to change them), let's instead find the areas we love about them and build community around that.

When we live in a place of sincere acceptance for others, we truly become agents of God's good news - that the God who made us and knows everything about us, loves us - and wants to help us become the version of ourselves that God intends for us. A person filled with love, peace, joy, etc.

You can't control people, but you can chose whether or not you will love them.

Like hustle on a basketball court, there's no reason why we can't love people in any given situation, because while what they do isn't in our control, how we respond to them is.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #9: Self Awareness

TC's Guidelines and Principles for Life #9: "Don’t send an email response while angry.  Put it in the draft folder first." This is a pretty specific guideline, and maybe you don't have the problem of sometimes over reacting to mean emails like I do, but the principle of this statement actually goes beyond just getting a frustrating email/facebook reply/rude text.

Psalm 4:4 says this: "Don't sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent. "

Other translations start that verse even more bluntly: "Be angry and do not sin."

Here's what I get out of that: God knows we are going to get angry sometimes. The scripture doesn't say 'Don't get angry.' It says 'When you get angry, don't sin.'

Then, it gives a specific instruction: think about it overnight before you say anything.

I don't think we're supposed to spend that interlude stewing and thinking of how we can say the most hurtful, hateful thing we can thing of.

It seems more like we're supposed to calm down before we respond to whatever has made us angry.

For me, a rude or obnoxious email can send me to that place of being angry. A lot faster than it probably should. I'm working on that.

But because I'm not a robot and I can't flip a switch to be better at handling that part of my emotions, I need a way to handle them while I'm also trying to get better at it.

So for me, it means that if I am replying to a rude email, I put the message in a draft folder before sending it. I give myself time to cool down, then I go re-read it (and usually change it) prior to sending it.

Maybe for you, it's not a rude email. Maybe your weakness is dealing with change. Maybe it's when people are condescending to you. Or it's a tendency to over react to people based on self esteem issues. It could be anything.

Whatever it is that puts you in a place of angry responses: first, be aware of your trigger.

When somebody hits your trigger (like sending you an angry email), recognize it.

Create the space to calm down. For me, it's a draft folder. Maybe you just need to go breathe deeply for 10 minutes. Maybe you need to just smile and say you'll talk to them later.

Whatever it is, put healthy guidelines in your life that will help you not to sin when you are angry.

We all get angry, but we can all learn how to respond to that emotion in healthy ways.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #8: Selflessness

TC's Guidelines and Principles for Life #8: "Never defend or justify yourself, let God do that. Just answer questions with honesty." So listen, this guideline will totally not work for everybody.

It will only apply to people who take Jesus seriously when he says "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me." (Matthew 16:24)

Those of us who have made the choice to follow Jesus have signed up for a life of learning to die to ourselves.

As Dietrich Bonhoeffer says in Cost of Discipleship, "when Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die".

I hate this part of following Jesus. Everything in me wants to be selfish and fulfill any appetite I may discover within myself.

Yet I have learned the value of not doing that. It's because of this that I'm participating in Lent this year. I have given up all electronic entertainment (TV, Netflix, Movies, Video Games, etc) for 40 days so that I can instead focus on reading and prayer. Activities that I know improve the quality of my life and help me grow closer to God.

But they are less instantly gratifying that entertaining myself, so I naturally neglect them.

How does this all relate to the guideline that I try to live by, not to defend myself?

It may sound like I'm advocating that we, as believers should be doormats. On the contrary, I believe it's easy and expected and instantly gratifying to defend myself. To try to get revenge on people who speak ill of me.

Indignation is like rage candy. "How dare you!"

I'm asking us to go beyond that. To make the choice not to pick up our weapons when insulted. That takes more courage that most of us commonly walk around with. It's the opposite of being a doormat.

It means not being passive aggressive, or fantasizing about putting people in their place.

Miroslav Volf, in Exclusion and Embrace, makes the argument that in a world where trying to pay back injustice with injustice creates a never ending system of...you guessed it...injustice.

"If you want justice and nothing but justice, you will inevitably get injustice. If you want justice without injustice, you must want love." (Volf, 223)

It is not until we are willing to let God have the last word by refusing to repay evil for evil within our own lives that we truly become the peacemakers that Jesus talks about in the Sermon on the Mount. (See Matthew 5).

When I seek to justify myself, it leads to angry emails or pointed conversations. But when I trust God to deal with any unfair or untrue accusations, I embrace what Henri Nouwen refers to as the 'downward mobility' that should exist in the life of every believer.

We fulfill the parable of the wedding guests who take a seat of low honor and are publicly honored by the host (Luke 14:7-14).

I've been reading the book of Job again recently, and the only mistake I see from Job is that he tries to justify himself. God, in his response to Job, never takes issue with any of Jobs specific points of argument. Rather, he appears to take umbrage with Job's tone.

Job's only mistake was his efforts to defend and justify himself against his friends (and considering what he went through, that's pretty impressive).

When we are attacked or criticized without cause (look, if you're not doing your job and your boss criticizes you, this doesn't apply to you. Do you job.), we have a choice. We can defend ourselves or let God defend us.

Personally, I like the latter choice. Because when we put ourselves in God's hands, not only are we safe from anything that he doesn't permit, but we make ourselves open to receive his blessings.

That's a much better alternative than me getting the visceral benefit of demonstrating my contempt or anger through criticism or insult.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #7: Identity

TC's Guidelines and Principals for Life #7: "Don’t worry so much about where you are, focus on who you are.  Worry more about what’s happening in you than what’s happening to you." I learned this lesson when I found myself stuck in a corporate job that I didn't want. I'm grateful for the job, because it allowed me to provide for my family while I was working on attaining a graduate degree in Theology.

But the job didn't connect with what I felt God had called me to do, so I was pretty miserable.

One morning, as I was walking to the train to start my day (which also included a 3 hour commute), I felt God say this guideline to me. That I was so worried about what I was doing, that I wasn't paying attention to what God wanted to do within me. That the frustrating situation that I was in was actually causing me to become a different person.

A person who needed more faith and trust in God. A person who would have compassion for people who were stuck in the same type of situation.

I was eating manna in the wilderness because God was preparing me for the promised land he had for me.

Israel could have crossed from Egypt to Canaan in a matter of weeks or perhaps months. It took 40 years because God had to prepare them for their destination.

If you have areas in your life where you are frustrated, ask God what he wants to accomplish in you during that situation.

I found that God was dealing with specific issues within me that he wanted to deal with: pride, impatience, anxiety; and so he would put me in situations that really brought those problems to the front in my life. Then, he would go to work, helping me to confront those issues.

God is less concerned with getting us somewhere 'quickly' as he is with us being 'healthy' when we get there.

Elsewhere, I've made the analogy that God is more like a crockpot than a microwave.

God wants us to to grow as a person and connect more with Him before we start going off and trying to do something with it. And that's basically the opposite of what our culture tells us. Success means being the first to make it to a certain level.

But God isn't keeping score like some demented rat race. He's building relationships that make up his Kingdom of love and peace and joy.

And unless you become a healthy person, you'll never get to enjoy the benefits of that kingdom.

Stop measuring yourself against others, and instead time time to learn what God's agenda is for you.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #6: Forgiveness

TC's Guidelines and Principals for Life #6: "Forgiveness is the core of Christianity." I've read several books in the last year plus that have talked about handling hurt and forgiveness.

No Freedom Without Forgiveness by Desmond Tutu talked about post apartheid South Africa.

Evil and the Justice of God by N.T. Wright dealt with theodicy - the discipline of explaining the existence of evil in light of an omnipresent, omnipotent and omniscient God, which delves quickly into the reality being hurt and offended in this life.

Exclusion and Embrace by Miroslav Volf, a Croat who wrote with a context of the brutal warfare his country engaged to examine how we can create true community with one another.

Out of these texts, one of the most sticking take away point was this: that the defining characteristic of Christianity is the call to love one's enemy.

“You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven.  ~Jesus (Matthew 5:43-45)

We live in a world of hurts, both great and small on a daily basis. You were out of milk for cereal this morning. You were cut off in traffic. Your boss/teacher criticized you in front of your peers. A rumor was started about you on social media.

Or maybe worse is going on. You're being abused. You were attacked. You've been robbed.

Our normal way of handling the feelings and frustration and injustice of these situations is to either pay it back upon our offender, or, when that isn't possible, to look for other ways we can vent our anger.

Often, this means we lash out at others who most likely had nothing to do with what wounded us. That's our nature. "Misery loves company" the saying goes.

When I have been hurt, if I cannot demand justice from the perpetrator because I don't know who they are, or they are too strong for me to hurt in the manner that I was hurt, then I will visit my pain on others. At least then others have to deal with my same issues and I can find shallow comfort in that.

When I was a child, I was taught that we should treat others the way we wish to be treated. My problem with this system was that a person who did not follow it would never be punished. I decided that the buck would stop with me. If somebody was being mean or selfish, I would give them a taste of their own medicine.

While my solution was foolish (I did mention I was a child, right?), I believe my logic still stands.

But Jesus answered this question in a different manner. He saw that at some point the tally sheet must balance. And instead of giving back to each person what they have stored up (though that will happen one day), at this time, he would stop the cycle of hurt and blame and offense and anger by failing to reciprocate it.

On the cross, his reaction was to forgive those who had hurt him (Luke 23:34).

By breaking the cycle of violence, and indeed offering forgiveness, he gave everyone an exit from the perverse merry go round of injustice.

That is why Jesus not only calls us to be willing to carry a cross, but he goes even further to say this:

"If you refuse to take up your cross and follow me, you are not worthy of being mine." (Matthew 10:38)

If you can't make the choice to break the cycle of repaying hurt for hurt, you aren't able to build his kingdom. It would be impossible.

If you wish to follow Jesus, loving your enemy isn't optional. It's is absolutely central.

For that is what God did for each and every one of us.

Here's how Paul put it: "But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners." (Romans 5:8)

If we wish to belong to God's kingdom, loving our enemies is not optional. Jesus wasn't making a nice suggestion or stating a hyperbole.

The message of the cross is this: God forgave you, now go forgive others.

When Peter bluntly asked Jesus how many times he had to forgive in Matthew 18, Jesus' response was essentially 'Don't stop forgiving'. Because when we stop forgiving others, we ourselves stop receiving it. (That's a pretty scary thought, right?)

That point, when you're no longer willing to carry a cross, is the point at which you can no longer follow Jesus. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you. I'm not going to talk about whether that affects your eternal destiny, because that is secondary.

If you're not following Jesus, you're missing out on what God has for you right here and right now.

Let us be careful each day to forgive. Not to become foolish doormats. If you're being abused, seek safe refuge. If you are attacked for a reason other than your faith in Jesus, seek responsible defenses.

But let us never stop offering the forgiveness that none of us deserves to those who have harmed us. In doing so, we expand God's Kingdom in a way that no violence could ever stop it.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #5: Introspection

TC's Guidelines and Principles for Life #5: "Introspection is the most valuable tool in spiritual and emotional development." It's hard to come face to face with your own shortcomings.

Realizing that I'm not a pinnacle of righteousness in a fallen world didn't fit well into the 'me against the world' narrative that I carried for many years.

The day, when I was a teenager, that I realized that I hated my dad and that if I was going to follow Jesus, I couldn't continue to do that...was hard.

I wasn't some victim, or some innocent bystander. I was doing something evil.

The day when, as a graduate student in seminary, I realized that my faith had become a façade rather a living relationship with God was also hard. Realizing that I had hiked halfway up a mountain only to discover it was the wrong mountain left me a choice:

Pretend that I was actually doing the right thing and keep going, or head back down and start over again.

But this post isn't about what to do when you discover your mistake, or your fault, or your sin or your wrong perception.

It's about getting to that moment of realization.

I love reading the Psalms. David is always exploding emotionally all over God, and instead of smiting David, or sending a prophet to tell David 'Shut up', God instead describes David as a man after His own heart (1 Samuel 13:14).

One of the scariest, and yet most fulfilling, experiences I have in my life of faith is when, in the midst of

fear

or

anger

or

anxiety

or

frustration

or

despair

or

lust

or

greed

or

hate

or

selfishness

or

impatience

or

pride

or

anything that I know isn't life giving seems to be filling my head or heart; and instead of trying to shoo those thoughts and feelings out of myself like a man with a weak flashlight in the midst of a rat and roach infested house, I invite God into that place with me.

I becoming willing to see the darkness, the brokeness, the evil within myself rather than try to pretend it doesn't exist.

In those moments, I see the amazing work of the Holy Spirit, who breathes life into areas that were crippled by shame or embarrassment.

I receive healing and forgiveness and strength and life, and those places that were holding me back suddenly become places that are drawing me closer to God.

My emotional life and my spiritual life starts bursting forth with rainbow colors where there was only bland grayness before.

That is the power of being willing to walk about in the walls of your own life in the presence of God.

That is why David was a man after God's own heart. Nothing was off limits to God from David's heart. Well, except in an incident regarding a woman named Bathsheba. David closed God off from those feelings, and it led to multiple deaths (Bathsheeba's husband, and the child conceived by David's adultery).

To David's credit, when he was confronted, he threw wide the gates to his heart and begged God to come back in. (Read Psalm 51 to hear David's turn to God in the aftermath of his sinful choices).

That's the awesomeness of introspection. It doesn't guarantee that you won't mess up. But it means to don't have to stay in a downward spiral until you hit the ground in a fiery explosion.

You don't have to live in a house of rats and roaches, hoping to use your light to keep them off you.

You can take back those places within yourself.

The man who I've been pointing to probably said it best:

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

Point out anything in me that offends you,and lead me along the path of everlasting life." (Psalm 139:23-24)

That which are ignored do not improve.

If we want healthy spirituality and healthy emotions, we will have to summon our courage and open the door to the basement of our lives. Down in that dark, unfamiliar area, we will find the opportunity to apply the grace and mercy that God so freely grants us. And in doing so, can begin to see change in our everyday lives.

May we be brave enough to fight the darkness in our lives rather than to ignore it, or run from it.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #4: Cost

TC's Guidelines and Principles for Life #4: "Everything has a price." When you walk into a store and you decide what kind of jacket or computer or which options you want on the car you're buying, at some point in this process, you're going to look at the price tag on these items.

Heck, the price tag may be the first thing you look at. No sense in deciding you like something if it's way out of your price range, right?

But say you see two jackets that you like equally. The tie breaker is probably going to be the cost, right? No sense paying $100 if you'd be just as happy with the $60 one.

Sometimes we look at the price tag last. A bride looking at wedding dresses is probably going to find the dress of her dreams and then look at the price tag after finding it.

The bottom line is that we understand when we go shopping that everything has a cost. We need to keep the same thing in mind with everything in life.

Want your dream job? Here's the (likely) price tag: time, energy and money spent on a degree and/or training; building a network of people to help you get jobs which prepare and qualify you for your dream job; time spent combing through job posts, creating resumes and participating in interviews; handling and fighting through rejection when it comes your way.

Want to play an instrument? The cost will be hours of monotonous practice each week. And if it's guitar, a lot of pain in your fingertips.

Want a healthy marriage/relationship? There's a great cost in denying your selfish wants and putting your significant other first. Going to movies you might hate (easy), caring for them in sickness (harder), having to work through arguments (varies), and so on.

Heck, being a blogger has cost me a great deal of time and energy. But it's been worth it to me. I have found and refined my voice through the hundreds of posts. A voice that I have then been given the privilege of using to share my thoughts in various forums: Relevant magazine, a national TV show, and as a teaching pastor at Abundant Life Church in Glen Burnie, MD.

When I go back and look at my first posts, they're not very good. Part of the price for me was doing something that I was so imperfect at in order to get better.

When I was in great shape, completing Tough Mudders and Triathlons, I assure you I was paying a great price in training - 600-800 miles per year.

Everything has a price. The questions is not whether you can do something. The question is 'are you willing to pay the price to get what you want?'

Malcolm Gladwell says it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something.

Not everything I do will be something I've spent 10,000 hours doing. But the things that are important to me, I will put in that time.

I will put 10,000 hours into reading so that I can learn to see life from different perspectives.

I will put 10,000 hours into sharing my thoughts in public forums because I love being part of grand discussions.

I new somebody once who told me she wanted to me a musician. I asked her if she was taking lessons for singing or playing. She said no. I asked if she was making demos to share online. She said no.

It seemed that she was waiting for her dream to show up and knock on her door one day. I tried to tell her that it doesn't work like that. You have to go get your dream.

Looking in the front window of the dream store and saying you wish you could have the thing you love is never going to get you any closer to actually having it.

Because that dream you have of being a writer, or personal trainer, or painter, or professor, or bus driver, or minister, or CEO, or whatever has a price tag on it.

Go start paying that price.

Because people who reach their dreams are people who pay the price.

Al Michaels is a famous sports broadcaster. I heard him tell the story of how he used to do broadcasting at any podunk school or college that would let him do it so that he could learn. He got his big break when he was an announcer in Hawaii.

His comment in the interview I listened to is that sometimes you need a lucky break, but you've got to do the work so that you're ready for that lucky break.

I don't have a magic formula for you to be guaranteed of the dream job you want. If you tell me it's president, I would say it's unlikely, but I would also say that nobody ever accidentally became president. Nobody who fails to pay the price gets the prize.

And those who worked hard to become president learned valuable lessons and met valuable people that opened other doors to them.

The Superbowl is coming up in about a week. Nobody in that game came into the season fat and out of shape, wondering what their goal was.

Not everybody who prepares will be champion, but the champion will not be somebody who was unprepared.

Because, to quote one of my favorite movies, Remember the Titans:

Champions pay the price.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #3: Religion

TC’s Guidelines and Principles for Life #3: “There’s a big, big difference between living for God and religiosity.” I am grateful that I have had a wide variety of experiences within Christianity. I was raised in a highly structured religion that was built on dogma and catechism.

I have also attended churches on the exact opposite end of the spectrum. Churches that were opposed to any sort of outside influence and strongly sought to have a unique experience on a week-by-week basis.

The most valuable understanding I gained from these different environments is to have learned that there are people who are genuinely seeking God in both environments, and there are people who are just playing a game in both environments.

While some people view liturgical denominations (Lutheran, Catholic, Episcopalian, etc) as being too focused on rules and repetitious religious services, it’s just as easy to become fixated on the elements you may encounter at a non-denominational, evangelical/charismatic church.

Anytime we get our eyes off God and onto the systems we place in our communities of worship, we have missed the point.

Anytime we reduce God to a set of rules or requirements, we have missed the point.

Anytime we’re more worried about our religion than we are about God, we have missed the point.

I have made numerous mistakes in this area of my life. When I was an adolescent, I wanted to throw off the liturgical faith of my childhood because of how constraining I found it. I made the mistake of lumping God in with that religion.

It took me a little time to realize my mistake and to start learning to engage with God directly rather than through a lens that I didn’t like.

After finding myself in a variety of churches and learning institutions that emphasized relationship with God and personal faith over the next decade+, I discovered that I had created, out of these places, a new personal liturgy, which I had put in place of God in my life.

Because religion is easier to manage than God. I can handle a paper tiger much easier than I can handle a real one.

And religion without God is incredibly dangerous. It convinces you that you are accomplishing all that God wants for your life, while robbing you of the chance to actually discover those things.

I have tried to stop putting God into categories or certain roped off areas of my life.

In the end, whether you are religious or not is not the question. Whether or not you are putting God first and seeking His kingdom come and His will be done in your life and through your life is the question.

You can be Methodist, Baptism, Presbyterian, Catholic, Non-Demonicational, Evangelical, or any other branch of Christianity and love Jesus.

That is the right question.